Marriage is Hard, Life is Hard: "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

"...I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead—only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They “draw back,” as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.

I am not saying you shouldn’t be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people’s lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."...

Virtually everyone in the room knows the formula for revelation given in section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants—you know, the verses about studying it out in your mind and the Lord promising to confirm or deny. What most of us don’t read in conjunction with this is the section that precedes it—section 8. In that revelation the Lord defined revelation:

I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. [I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way—mind and heart combined, by the Holy Ghost.]"

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=795

Advice from Elder Busche

Elder F. Enzio Busche

Quorum of the Seventy

BYU Devotional May 14, 1996

I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when we, from time to time, ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts.

Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.

In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.

First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness.

You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.

Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. God knows that you are not perfect.

As you suffer about your imperfections he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you.

Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place.

Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.

When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge help them to become their own judges.

If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.

Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm.

On the road to salvation let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words.

Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.

Be not so much concerned about what you do, but what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.

You want to be good and do good, that is commendable, but the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.

The pain of sacrifice last only on moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.

And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson God wants to give you something better.

Thus, we prepare all the days of our lives, and, as we grow death loses its sting, hell loses its power, and we look forward to that day with anticipation of joy when He will come in his glory.

Can Ye Feel So Now?

Excerpts from Can Ye Fell So Now?- Elder Quentin L. Cook, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

...This question, “Can ye feel so now?” rings across the centuries. With all that we have received in this dispensation—including the Restoration of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the outpouring of spiritual gifts, and the indisputable blessings of heaven—Alma’s challenge has never been more important.

It is not surprising that some in the Church believe they can’t answer Alma’s question with a resounding yes. They do not “feel so now.” They feel they are in a spiritual drought. Others are angry, hurt, or disillusioned. If these descriptions apply to you, it is important to evaluate why you cannot “feel so now.

Many who are in a spiritual drought and lack commitment have not necessarily been involved in major sins or transgressions, but they have made unwise choices. Some are casual in their observance of sacred covenants. Others spend most of their time giving first-class devotion to lesser causes. Some allow intense cultural or political views to weaken their allegiance to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some have immersed themselves in Internet materials that magnify, exaggerate, and, in some cases, invent shortcomings of early Church leaders. Then they draw incorrect conclusions that can affect testimony. Any who have made these choices can repent and be spiritually renewed.

Immersion in the scriptures is essential for spiritual nourishment. The word of God inspires commitment and acts as a healing balm for hurt feelings, anger, or disillusionment. When our commitment is diminished for any reason, part of the solution is repentance. Commitment and repentance are closely intertwined."

C.S. Lewis asserted that Christianity tells people to repent and promises them forgiveness; but until people know and feel they need forgiveness, Christianity does not speak to them. He stated, “When you know you are sick, you will listen to the doctor.”

How we treat those closest to us is of fundamental importance. Violence, abuse, lack of civility, and disrespect in the home are not acceptable—not acceptable for adults and not acceptable for the rising generation. My father was not active in the Church but was a remarkably good example, especially in his treatment of my mother. He used to say, “God will hold men responsible for every tear they cause their wives to shed.”

Sexual immorality and impure thoughts violate the standard established by the Savior. We were warned at the beginning of this dispensation that sexual immorality would be perhaps the greatest challenge. Such conduct will, without repentance, cause a spiritual drought and loss of commitment. Movies, TV, and the Internet often convey degrading messages and images.

I recently had an insightful conversation with a 15-year-old Aaronic Priesthood holder. He helped me understand how easy it is in this Internet age for young people to almost inadvertently be exposed to impure and even pornographic images. He pointed out that for most principles the Church teaches, there is at least some recognition in society at large that violating these principles can have devastating effects on health and well-being. He mentioned cigarette smoking, drug use, and alcohol consumption by young people. But he noted that there is no corresponding outcry or even a significant warning from society at large about pornography or immorality.

My dear brothers and sisters, this young man’s analysis is correct. What is the answer? For years, prophets and apostles have taught the importance of religious observance in the home.

Parents, the days are long past when regular, active participation in Church meetings and programs, though essential, can fulfill your sacred responsibility to teach your children to live moral, righteous lives and walk uprightly before the Lord. It is essential that this be faithfully accomplished in homes which are places of refuge where kindness, forgiveness, truth, and righteousness prevail. Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music. Parents must have the courage to say no, defend truth, and bear powerful testimony. Your children need to know that you have faith in the Savior, love your Heavenly Father, and sustain the leaders of the Church. Spiritual maturity must flourish in our homes. My hope is that no one will leave this conference without understanding that the moral issues of our day must be addressed in the family.

I want to assure you, as Alma taught, that through repentance you can qualify for all the blessings of heaven. That is what the Savior’s Atonement is all about.

For any whose lives are not in order, remember, it is never too late to make the Savior’s Atonement the foundation of our faith and lives.

In the words of Isaiah, “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

My sincere prayer is that each of us will take any necessary action to feel the Spirit now so we can sing the song of redeeming love with all our hearts.

The Position of the Church on Prioritizing Womanhood: Education and/or Motherhood?

I wrote this paper for a Religion Class (REL 333) at BYU with Br. Newell during my undergrad in 2007 and just stumbled upon it while organizing some files. I was extremely, extremely conflicted about pursuing a graduate degree and when to start our family and chose to make that the topic of this paper and researched some church guidelines.

Hope this might help some other women who are having the same wonderings.

The Position of the Church on Prioritizing Womanhood: Education and/or Motherhood?

Conclusion

The church’s position regarding the decision to continue an education or begin parenthood is between the couple and the Lord as stated in the attached research. It is not directly stated that one should always come before the other or whether motherhood and education should occur tangentially. However, a main responsibility and privilege of couples is to bring children into this world as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

The family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children…. [and] God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S., 2005)

The commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” was the first commandment given to Adam and Eve anteceding the Fall (See Genesis 1:28 & Moses 2:28). This first commandment is still as much of a commandment as it was in the beginning. It should remain on all couples’ minds as they prayerfully ponder when to begin bringing children into this world. It is also important to note that the spirit doesn’t always move us with a voice of thunder and lightening.

True to the Faith, a book which describes positions of the church on various gospel principles, elaborates on the church’s position regarding when and how many children a couple should have.

If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness. As you do so consider the sanctity and meaning of life. Ponder the joy that comes when children are in the home. Consider the eternal blessings that come from having a good posterity. With a testimony of these principles, you and your spouse will be prepared to prayerfully decide how many children to have and when to have them. Such decisions are between the two of you and the Lord. (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S., 2004; Emphasis added)

There is no specific time frame that a couple must have children. Some couples may not have children for many years while others become pregnant quickly after marriage. We are not to judge each other in this matter. We may look to the brethren that guide our church as examples; some of the apostles have as many as ten children while others have two, some began their families almost immediately while others did not. These are very private and sacred matters that should be left between the couple and the Lord.

            All of God’s children are different and may be directed down different paths. God will not lead us astray. It is best that we heed the promptings of the spirit as directed and counsel with the Lord and our spouse regarding when to have children. In 1987, President Ezra Taft Benson counseled couples at a fireside:

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children, being co-creators with Father in Heaven. Do not use the reasoning of the world, such as, ‘We’ll wait until we can better afford having children, until we are more secure, until John has completed his education, until he has a better paying job, until we have a larger home, until we’ve obtained a few of the material conveniences’ and on and on. Mothers who enjoy good health, have you children and have them early. (Benson, E.T., 1987)

While this counsel was stated over 20 years ago, it has not been refuted by any of the following prophets. Couples are not to put materialistic wants above the commandments of God. This is not to say that couples should not prepare wisely financially, emotionally, and physically for children. However, couples should remain cautious and prayerful as they consider their priorities- what is truly needed and what is simply regarded as a “material convenience”?

Years before this statement by President Benson, President Kimball counseled:

After marriage young wives should be occupied in bearing and rearing children. I know of no scriptures or authorities which authorize young wives to delay their families or to go to work to put their husbands through college. Young married couples can make their way and reach their educational heights, if they are determined. (Kimball, S.W., 1976)

Couples should not delay beginning their family for selfish reasons. Through faith and works couples may come to realize and obtain their educational goals (See James 2:24). It may not be immediately and it may not even be in this life, but the education gained from having an eternal family is endless. President James E. Faust has also counseled that “[We] need not try to sing all of the verses of [our] song at the same time” (Faust, J.E., 1986). There is order to all that needs to be done.

            President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled members of the church to obtain as much education and knowledge as possible. “It is the obligation of every woman of this Church to get all the education she can. It will enlarge her life and increase her opportunities. It will provide her with marketable skills in case she needs them” (Hinckley, G.B., 2006). President Hinckley is constantly reminding us to be prepared for our future. Notice that he states “in case she needs them”. President Hinckley in no way is instructing women to work hard with education and a full-time career as the goal- although there are situations that merit this circumstance. It is important to realize that education does not only mean knowledge gained in a university, college or classroom setting- knowledge may be gained through an assortment of ways.

President Howard W. Hunter also stated that “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind” The purpose of our existence on this earth is to become exalted as gods and goddesses in the next life. Should we not strive here and now to become as near to divinity as possible? Many factors affect a couples’ life as they contemplate when to begin bearing and raising children, but the most important component of the decision is being led prayerfully by the Holy Ghost.

Personal Insights

            As a child, I was always blessed to have a full-time mother while my father worked outside the home. My mother was always home upon my arrival from school and work. My father often traveled, but was home occasionally and always helped fulfill household responsibilities. About four years ago, my father was in a car accident which left him permanently disabled. He has since been unable to do many things that he enjoyed previously including sports and more importantly has not been able to maintain a career.

            My mother and father had been married about 23 years at the time of his accident and the youngest child, my sister, was only 8 years old. As stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “disability… may necessitate individual adaptation” which is precisely what occurred in my family (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B. & Monson, T.S 1995). We hoped for a few months that my father would recover quickly and be able to return to at least part-time work and continue providing for our family. However, even to this day he is still not able to work. My mother had obtained a bachelor’s degree in Spanish with a minor in French and had also worked as a teacher during the first few years of my parents’ married life. My mom began looking for a job as soon as we realized that their retirement money and life savings were dwindling quite rapidly.

            Due in large part to my mom’s degree and past experience she was able to attain a job that she enjoys- working as an office assistant for LDS Facilities Management. It has been a huge blessing to us that my mom was able to get a job that she enjoys and that provides the necessary income for the family to survive. My mother’s job probably barely brings in a fourth as much as my father’s job did in the past and they can only make ends meet because my father has private disability insurance which only lasts a few more years. They hope to pay off debt that was incurred in a business fraud just before his accident. After the disability income runs out, hopefully my father will have Social Security disability approved. However, for the time being, my family is able to live well and be self-sufficient and even still have time for the occasional vacation

            With the constant rise of education and knowledge available I realize that my mother was probably lucky to obtain the job she currently possesses- especially as a woman who hadn’t worked in 20 years with only a bachelor’s degree. I realize that opportunities like this are not very common, but I also realize the importance of faith that must be exhibited and maybe that’s where I struggle the most. Occasionally I find myself thinking that I am now obligated to get as much education as possible as quickly as possible just to be “safe”. Sometimes I think to myself that “something bad will happen. I just don’t know what.”

            I will graduate next year with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology at the age of 20. By the time of my graduation, my husband and I will have been married for almost two years. My husband will still have at least 2 years left of his undergraduate degree and then he plans to obtain both an MBA/JD. I had always planned to obtain a Master’s Degree as a child and teenager, but I never really expected to be married this young or even at all during my undergraduate education.

            While discussing with my husband President Hinckley’s counsel to obtain all the education we can he pointed out that education doesn’t necessarily mean attending a university or college. Education includes the knowledge we gain from reading and participating in various activities and learning new skills. We have been told, “The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth (D&C 93:36).” Many, if not all things, are learned through the spirit and it is this knowledge that we take with us into the next life.

            Children are to be raised in an atmosphere of peace, love and joy- an atmosphere of the gospel- surrounded by those that love and care for them. In order for children to be raised in this kind of atmosphere it is essential that both parents agree and set standards for their home. Families must participate regularly in family home evening, prayer and scripture study starting from the first day of marriage to establish good habits. I strongly believe that a couples’ relationship must be firm (but obviously not perfect) before bringing children into the home. I have witnessed the sorrow and grief that occurs when couples believe that a child will make things better and easier. It is upon a firm foundation as a husband and wife that children are to be raised.

            While I have not necessarily reached a conclusion for myself as to what I will do about graduate school next year, I will continue to trust the Lord and rely upon him for guidance. He knows my situation better than anyone- including myself.

References

Benson, E.T. (1987, February). To the Mothers in Zion. Retrieved May 18, 2007, from Brigham Young University: Faculty Center for Teaching and Learning: http://fc.byu.edu/jpages/ee/w_etb87.htm.

Clark, J.R. (1965-75). Messages of the First Presidency, 6 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 6:178. Retrieved May 16, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=bacd3ff73058b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

Faust, J.E. (1986). A Message to My Granddaughters: Becoming Great Women. Ensign, 16. Retrieved May 12, 2007 from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=3e23ef960417b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1.

            ““[We] need not try to sing all of the verses of [our] song at the same time” (Faust, J.E., 1986).”

 Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S. (2004). Birth Control. In True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference. (pp. 26) Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S. (2005, September). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved May 16, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,105-1-11-1,00.html.

Hinckley, G.B. (2006, November). In the Arms of His Love. Ensign, 115-118. Retrieved on May 28, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=05eb88f17feae010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1.

Kimball, S.W. (1976, February). Marriage- The Proper Way. New Era, 4. Retrieved on May 28, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=58fc5930f289b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

As an LDS Mother Who Works

I've been trying to get myself to write at least one post on my honest experience thus far working full-time. I've had a million thoughts and things that I thought I should say. Many thoughts were followed by what will they think when they read that? Is that being too honest? Well, that's not true all the time. Maybe I shouldn't say that after all...

I'm going to just try and let it flow out of me. So, you might be offended by my unedited thoughts. So here goes.

Being an LDS working mom sucks. And it is good. I feel so conflicted. I feel like no matter what I will do, I will feel like I'm missing out somewhere. If I were a full-time SAHM, I would feel guilty not using the education I've earned. Plus, I'll be honest here and say I don't think I could ever stay home full-time. My patience is not high enough. I enjoy the fulfillment that comes from working. Working full-time, I feel the guilt of I should be the main nurterer (read: I should be at home). I feel guilty for enjoying a good day at work. I feel like crap for coming home emotionally worn out some days and not being completely present for Aidan and Aaron. Aaron has pointed out this emotional exhaustion on multiple occasions and I have owned up to it. The other day he clearly pointed out "You'd rather spend time cleaning than with your son." And he was right in that moment. It was one of those days. In my mind, I needed to tidy our house before I could even enjoy playing with Aidan. I hate it, but it's true. More guilt. Also, I hate that my house isn't as clean as most moms around here. Dumb, I know. But I honestly worry about it and don't often invite people over because I'm so embarrassed.

So, why did I put "LDS" in there. Within the LDS Culture (different from the doctrine), I feel like I am the "working mom". That's it. I have no depth. I am known because I work full-time. Many of the cultural fun things don't really naturally allow room for women that work. Callings are typically scheduled with meetings during the day (Luckily, the presidency I'm in is awesome. But I do feel some guilt that I'm not available during the day to meet when I know they would prefer to be meeting.) Ward play group and mom's group are during working hours. I go to the Girls Night Outs and feel like the odd duck. All of these moms get to know each other and I have a shot once a month to get to know people. Especially since I'm in Primary on Sundays. Over the summer there were a bunch of women involved in a workout competition. I heard about it from a friend a few weeks in and asked why I didn't hear about it and she just responded, "Because you work. You can't come workout with us." I feel so socially awkward at gatherings. I used to be the one to host play group and mother's group in our old ward. I don't know how accurate my perception of this is and realize that I'm pretty sensitive to it. I don't want to be "the working mom". I am a lot more than that... I think.

I love that I'm using my education. I love the experience I'm getting. I love the patients I work with and seeing them progress. I love that I work at a place where it is 95% female and my boss is a working mom with 2 kids herself so she's very understanding of life. At the same time, there are maybe 3 of us therapists (including my boss) out of the 20ish married with kid(s). It makes it a bit difficult to reach out and connect at work when I don't feel like I can add much to the conversation of who's dating who etc. Plus, if I'm really being honest, I try to get work done as fast as possible to rush home. What's up with that anyway? I go to work, I enjoy it. But in the back of my mind I'm always thinking and trying to get it done as fast as possible to get back home to Aidan and Aaron. It's like I'm never fully present there. Is any mother? Just curious. Then again, is any working father?

I never thought my husband would be a full-time stay at home dad before me. But here we are. I remember as a little girl saying "I want to be a mommy" and admiring my mom for everything that she did. Aaron started full-time SAHDness around November when Police Academy wrapped up. Before that, he was doing school or academy in the evenings. He hasn't quite figured out what the plan is going forward. He still needs to pass a 1.5mile run in the required time and then he can start the second Police block (either this March or next January). He also has about 30 credits of his undergrad left. I wonder if I would feel more or less guilt if he were in a place he was graduated and could be in a career? Would/Will I still work when he's at that point when it's not vital that I provide this income? Is him not being able to work giving me an excuse or an opportunity to work? I can't tell sometimes. Also, I do realize he could provide for us if we really wanted. He'd let me quit in in an instant and go find jobs. I know he's worn out on being home full-time. We both made this decision together... Another story. But very complexly tied into this rant I guess...

I feel like my ability to mother drastically declined as I entered the work-force. My patience has dwindled, my ability to be creative and come up with activities disappeared. I'm totally serious. On evenings and weekends, I think "ummmmmm.... what could we do.....?" And I usually get complete brain farts. Which further solidifies my thought, I suck as a mom. This thought also leads me to think I should never be home full-time. My poor kids would be so bored.... I shouldn't want to explode at them this fast. This thought is also solidified whenever Aidan clearly chooses to be with Aaron over me. Aaron is waaaay more fun and creative. I realize. When Aidan's with me, we tend to do things like wash the dishes together, mop the floors, learning to cook as well as playing with cars and hiding from monsters. Also, I don't think I ever yelled at Aidan or got the kind of reactions I do from him now before I was working. Yup, low patience. I yelled at him- like full-out yelled- about two weeks ago. I can't even remember what it was over, but I feel like poop about it. All that did was give him more attention. The only reason I yelled was because of me being overwhelmed  It didn't help anything in the situation. Dumb. Today, as I carried him out of sacrament meeting to go home and take the nap he clearly needed he pulled my hair and swatted my face and body yelling and crying at me. We got home and he started finding things to throw at me and throw all over the ground. I'm sure some kids do this at some point, but Aidan doing it to me makes me feel like crap. And sometimes during these tantrums, it is only Aaron that can get him to calm down. Isn't it me as the mom that should be able to calm my toddler during his meltdown? I want to be able to calm my son. I miss the days when I could calm him over anything. Yup, those days when I could just take him in my arms and he'd be quiet and still and I secretly thought in my head muah ha ha! Yesss!. And again, I don't know if it's because I work and am not around as much that I can't comfort him like I used to, but I blame that at least in part. It's good that Aaron can experience being the comforter, but I'm jealous and disappointed in myself- probably how Aaron felt the first 18 months of his life.

I'm terrified for the birth of this second child. I want to be thrilled and excited, but it seems like working is just this huge barrier. I don't want to get too attached even though I do. I don't even know if that makes sense. Like I said, the "original" plan was that Aaron would be done with all Police Academy Training in May just in time for me to have our baby. It would have allowed me to take Maternity and then just go back very part-time (my dream). But, I'm now looking at going back full-time after Maternity Leave because we need the benefits and Aaron most likely won't be done and able to get a good full-time job with benefits at that point. 1) I don't like when things don't go as planned. 2) I'm so sick of us being in school 3) I totally realize that Aaron probably feels more anxiety and worry than me in regard to his schooling and career. With Aidan, I was in school full-time, but I think I was only gone about 15-20 hours a week maximum for the first 18 months of his life. With this baby, I will be home full-time for 3 months (which is pretty dang cool. I didn't even have that with Aidan), but then I'll be back to work 32 hours/week. And work is now 15 minutes away instead of 3 like it was with Aidan. I want to breastfeed. I want to be there for her first time lifting her head and her first time rolling and her first time crawling and all of her other firsts. This is going to be my baby girl. My first daughter. And I won't get to be there for all of it. And here goes the waterworks...

In writing all of this, I realize I may sound very entitled and snobbish. I know I have been blessed immensely, but I also have some honest struggles within myself. This is where I guess the true pessimist comes out? I got to go to a great school and I had a supportive husband all the way through. I received a great education. I have had great peers and mentors. I wanted to move out of Provo and student-life and I was blessed with a job that allowed us to move. I have a job I love with good benefits. I have great coworkers. I can do fun things with my kids. I can choose my work hours so I'm usually home by 3 in the afternoon instead of 5 or 5:30 or later like most. I have a husband willing to stay home with 1 (and soon 2) kids. I don't have to pay for daycare. My house may not (ever) be clean, but it's a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I still have people at church and in my neighborhood that I can get to know. I know that someday I will have the option of how much and where to work. I'm just being impatient and struggling at times right now and I just have to admit it is hard. I'm grateful for the friends I have that I can be honest with. It's also been nice to be able to talk to my mom who has been working full-time since my dad was disabled so I don't feel so alone and messed up. It'll be interesting to see what the future holds for our family.

Wear Pants to LDS Church

Some women within the LDS Church chose to wear pants this past Sunday.

"This event is the first act of All Enlisted, a direct action group for Mormon women to advocate for equality within our faith. We do not seek to eradicate the differences between women and men, but we do want the LDS church and its members to acknowledge the similarities. We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality."

I have a few friends that participated. I, however, didn't wear pants to church on Sunday.

The event and purpose seemed to shift a bit throughout the week. At first, it seemed the event was a statement against LDS culture AND doctrine. I, personally, acknowledge there are some rigid gender stereotypes and expectations within the culture. I have a testimony of the doctrine taught within the LDS church and sustain the priesthood leaders.

Throughout the week, it seemed to shift into a statement about wearing pants instead of having to feel like they should wear a skirt or pants. I also saw some just making a statement about the cultural differences within the church and wanting that to change.

I chose to wear a skirt because I believe in the doctrine and also because I believe that a dress or skirt does represent my Sunday Best (to me). I know that I could wear pants if I wanted to and there haven't been any statements against wearing pants. But I like to be dressy and girly in a skirt. I feel more feminine. Sure, it's not always the most comfortable. But I am a girl and I'm so okay with that. I know some will argue that I'm just buying into the cultural expectations and stooping to a lower level by giving in and wearing a skirt. I don't feel that way.

I'm a bit of a feminist (in case you hadn't noticed), but not the man-hating kind that people usually hear about and stereotype. I think my role as a woman is complemented by Aaron's as a husband and love that we can work together in our goal of eternal families. I really loved this article about why she is a Mormon because she's a feminist.

Here's a comment I wrote on facebook about the cultural difficulties that can occur:
I have definitely experienced firsthand sexist and demeaning comments from leaders and other members of the church- even within my own family. I know that the attitude of some members is lacking and I understand how women can feel less-than. I always remember my mom telling me, "Remember, the church is perfect, but its members aren't." I don't feel like the doctrine, leaders of the church or God have ever looked down on me for being a woman. Nor, do I feel like they put Aaron up on a pedestal for being a man and holding the priesthood. I get a lot of crap for getting a higher education and doing it after I was married and then doing more after having a child and then working outside of the home right now "not being there for my son" and having Aaron "suffer through staying at home because he deserves more than that." Yes, these comments are offensive and I sometimes cry, but they are just other people saying them. Luckily I have an awesome husband who can talk me through incidents like this and I also believe I receive comfort through prayer knowing that I am doing alright. I really believe in families and that I am here to learn to work with Aaron to build a family. I'm grateful that we can complement each other in our roles, responsibilities and callings. I can't let others opinions get in my way.

I think it can be especially hard when some of these comments come from local leaders and are taught like doctrine like in your example. I see unrighteous dominion in many marriages and its horrible. I think the word "preside" is often taken out of context. I really like this even though it's a few years old -https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng. I think there as another one more recently that addresses similar issues.

On a somewhat related note (to me anyway), I have had many clients whose priesthood leaders instruct them to "pray harder" or "sleep with a Book of Mormon under your pillow" to cure depression or other mental disorders, but the truth is they aren't trained to know how to treat mental illness. They are human and trying to help out of kindness and will make mistakes in their effort to help others. I have been impressed by the church's efforts to help more leaders to refer to mental health providers instead of doing the counseling themselves as bishops etc. I think when church leaders find out about incidents like this, they try to act quickly because they recognize it's not okay and that practices like these are not doctrine.

A follow up comment from my cousin:
Practical faith sometimes escapes us as members. Here's a story from conference for you from Elder Oaks: "When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body."

Elder Holland's Devotional

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2012/09?lang=eng

"You are never to check your religion at the door!"

Saving Your Marriage

This was such a powerful and moving clip for me. It seems the sanctity and importance of family and marriage is just flying out the window these days in culture.

"A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing.    If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. 

The weakening of the concept that marriages are permanent and precious has far-reaching consequences. I speak out of concern, but with hope. 

The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.  

Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs (as President Faust has just taught us so beautifully), to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships. 

The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce."

If I'm totally honest, the "D" word has definitely been used in our marriage a couple times by myself as a threat (Never my husband- and I'm the therapist!). Sometimes, we can fool ourselves to thinking that's a better option or even that it's an option at all. This is such a great reminder from Elder Oaks about marriage and what it really is.

A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection. 

Stake Conference Counsel

Our Stake President (LDS area leader) has asked that we remove all violent video games from your home. FYI: This is in a BYU Student Married Stake. This is the second time he's announced and suggested we do this on our homes. He used the updated For the Strength of Youth guidelines as well as a talk by Elder Bednar and a few other things and told us he felt really strongly that we should follow this counsel and we'd be blessed for our obedience and diligence. This would not be a difficult thing for me personally because I'm not really into the violent games to start with (and it doesn't hurt that I'm horrible at them anyway), but I have some married friends that play games together and my husband spends time playing a variety of video and computer games. Just got me thinking.

If your stake president asked you to remove all violent video games from your home,

What would you do and why?

Some of the quotes he used and the video he told us to watch in FHE:

"...Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way..."

I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace interactions and experiences upon our souls. 

Successful Marriage

“I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come.”- President Hinckley

55 FHE Ideas with a Toddler

We have been pretty bad at doing Family Home Evening the past few months because we haven't been able to figure out the balance between us doing something and including Aidan.

In Relief Society the other week, we were asked to set some goals to improve our spirituality and other areas of life and I had this brilliant idea to come up with FHE ideas and lessons that we could include Aidan in.

I just put a basic header with the topic of each lesson. We'll talk about what we can related to the subject and then do the activity. Some of these ideas are better for a younger toddler and others are for an older toddler. Those with an asterisk are for holidays and special occasions. I've hyper linked some of the ideas to their sources. All of the songs are from the Children's Songbook unless they say otherwise.

PRAYER
Song: A Child’s Prayer #12
Activity: Use the prayer puppet. Talk about how you’re supposed to pray and help your toddler say the closing prayer

DAVID & GOLIATH
Song: I Will Be Valiant #162
Activity: Tell the story of David & Goliath. Make paper rocks and throw them at Daddy.

AMMON
Song: Book of Mormon Stories #118
Activity: Have your toddler pretend to cut off arms.

TOWER OF BABEL
Song: Children All Over the World #16
Activity: Build a tall tower out of jenga blocks or marshmallows and toothpicks.

ARTICLES OF FAITH
Songs & Activity: Go through the Articles of Faith songs #122-132

FAMILY HISTORY
Song: Family History #94
Activity: Go through pictures of grandparents, cousins and other family members and practice saying their
names.

MASTERPIECE MAKER
Song: My Heavenly Father Loves Me #228
Activity: Watch Create (Mormon Message). Make things with PB Dough and snacks

FAITH
Song: Faith #96
Activity: Talk about how faith is like a seed and needs nourishment to grow. Plant a garden or indoor plant.

ORGANIZE YOURSELVES
Song: A Young Man Prepared #166
Activity: Sort objects by color, shape etc.

GOSPEL ART KIT
Song: I Want to Live the gospel #148
Activity: Have your toddler pick a picture and then talk about the picture and point out things and people they might recognize.

FORTIFY OUR FAMILIES
Song: Families Can be Together Forever #188
Activity: Have a Lego fort built. Knock it over and rebuild it.

JESUS CHRIST
Song: The Church of Jesus Christ #77
Activity: Print out The Story of Jesus Christ and have it ready to color and talk about.

LEHI’S DREAM
Song: The Iron Rod Hymn #274
Activity: Have a piece of string taped up around the house. Hold on to it and follow the string from room to room.

REVERENCE
Song: Reverence #27
Activity: Cut out the reverent child and talk about what it means to be reverent and why

HEAVENLY FATHER
Song: I Need my Heavenly Father #18
Activity: Trace your toddler’s body on butcher paper. Talk about how Heavenly Father has a body like us.

KEEPING COMMANDMENTS
Song: Keep the Commandments #146
Activity: Talk about how keeping the commandments keep us safe. Use toy animals and Legos to surround them and talk about how animals can’t get out into trouble because the fence keeps them safe.

NOAH’S ARK
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Use the page from the quiet book to tell the story and name the animals.

OBEDIENCE
Song: Quickly I’ll Obey #197
Activity: Play Mother May I, Simon Says. Talk about how obedience to our parents keeps us happy and safe.

LEHI’S JOURNEY
Song: Nephi’s Courage #120
Activity: Set up a tent in the living room “Father dwelt in a tent” and read the story

TEMPLES
Song: I Love to See the Temple #95
Activity: Make Temples out of play dough.
Activity #2: Go walk around the temple grounds

USING OUR TALENTS
Song: When grandpa Comes #201
Activity: Draw pictures for great-grandparents and grandparents

HEALTH CARE
Song: For Health & Strength #21
Activity: Put together Humanitarian Aid Kits. Help your toddler put objects in a bag.

WORD OF WISDOM- HEALTH
Song: Healthy Wealthy & Wise #280
Activity: Create and do an obstacle course together or practice physical activities (e.g. jumping, running)

WORD OF WISDOM- FOOD
Song: The Prophet Said to Plant a Garden #237
Activity: Eat and name healthy snacks

FOLLOW THE PROPHET
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Popsicle stick puzzle with President Monson’s face

GENTLENESS
Song: I’m Trying to be Like Jesus
Activity: Put your hand into a bag to guess and grab objects

JESUS CALMS THE SEA
Song: Tell Me the stories of Jesus #57
Activity: Create a tempest in a bottle

JONAH & THE WHALE
Song: The Books in the Old Testament #114
Activity: Eat Goldfish/Whales

THE HOLY GHOST
Song: The Still Small Voice #106
Activity: Play the Listen Game

WISE MAN
Song: The Wise Man & the Foolish Man #281
Activity: Teach the song and movements

CHOICES
Song: Choose the Right Hymn# 239
Activity: Play a game where you give them directions. You can have one parent be the good parent and the other give bad directions or just both direct them.

BOOK OF MORMON
Song: Book of Mormon Stories #118
Activity: Teach the song and movements

MUSIC IN THE HOME
Song: Pick various songs
Activity: play piano, maracas, teach how to conduct etc.

RAIN IN THE DESERT
Song: Rain is falling all around #241
Activity: Make rain in the tub or over sink

FISHER’S OF MEN
Song: I Feel My Savior’s Love #74
Activity: Put peanut butter on celery and go fishing for goldfish on plate

I SPY
Song: Two Little Eyes #268
Activity: Create an I spy bag with object related to gospel or things your toddler recognizes

NEPHI
Song: Nephi’s Courage #120
Activity: Create floating boats and put them in the tub or go race them down a local stream

MANNA
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Bake and eat bread

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
Song: Love One Another #136
Activity: Heart Attack the neighbor’s House

TITLE OF LIBERTY
Song: The Books of the Book of Mormon #119
Activity: Create and wave around a homemade version of title of liberty.

WORKING HARD
Song: The Things I Do #170
Activity: Create a Toddler Chore Chart

DANIEL & LION’S DEN
Song: Keep the Commandments #110
Activity: Chase your toddler around like a lion. Maybe, have one parent protect them from the lions.

THE ARMOR OF GOD
Song: I Will be Valiant #162
Activity: Dress your toddler in armor using kitchen utensils, paper etc.

GOLDEN PLATES
Song: The Golden Plates #86
Activity: Color Foil on cardboard like plates.
Activity #2: Put together puzzle of Joseph Smith

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
Song: Choose the Right Way #160
Activity: Dominos

MISSIONARIES
Song: I Hope they call me on a Mission #169
Activity: Dress up as a missionary. Color and make your own tag

*EASTER
Song: Easter Hosanna #68
Activity: Dye Easter Eggs
Activity #2: Make Resurrection Cookies

*RESURRECTION
Song: On a Golden Springtime #89
Activity: Resurrection Easter Egg hunt

*BIRTH OF JESUS
Song: Samuel Tells of Baby Jesus #36
Activity: Act out the nativity

*THANKSGIVING
Song: Thanks to our Father #20
Activity: Trace hands and make turkeys

*CHRISTMAS SYMBOLS
Song: Have a Very Merry Christmas #51
Activity: Create a poster board with symbols of Christmas and have a cut out of each symbol. Have your toddler match the symbols as you talk about what they each mean.

*YEAR IN REVIEW
Song: A Happy Family #198
Activity: Look at pictures from the past year and organize them

An Apostolic Warning: Things as They Really Are

"Today I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace  interactions and experiences upon our souls...—such as experimenting with actions contrary to God’s commandments or enticing us to think or  do things we would not otherwise think or do “because it is only a game. Sadly, some young men and women in the Church today ignore “things as they really are” and neglect eternal relationships for digital distractions, diversions, and detours that have no lasting value.

I offer two questions for consideration in your personal pondering and prayerful studying:

1. Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2. Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

I testify that God lives and is our Heavenly Father...To be “encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 1:15) will be a real and not a virtual experience."

-Elder Bednar, May 2009


Violent Video Games May Alter Brain Functioning

Teen Texting Soars; Will Social Skills Suffer?

Internet paradox: A social technology that reduces social involvement and psychological well-being?

Online time 'is good for teens'

There are a ton of articles on just about anything arguing all sides

You Matter to Him

The Lord doesn’t care at all if we spend our days working in marble halls or stable stalls. He knows where we are, no matter how humble our circumstances. He will use—in His own way and for His holy purposes—those who incline their hearts to Him...the Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul.

My dear brothers and sisters, it may be true that man is nothing in comparison to the greatness of the universe. At times we may even feel insignificant, invisible, alone, or forgotten. But always remember—you matter to Him!

...please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him.21Have hope and faith in that promise.

He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

~Elder Uchtdorf, October 2011 General Conference

Moments that Matter Most

"We would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most.


Diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world. That is why “we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, … that [we] may know to what source [we] may look for a remission of [our] sins.” ⁸ In the complexity, confusion, and rush of modern living, this is the “more excellent way.” 


Of Things that Matter Most- President Uchtdorf

The do not love that do not show their love

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." 


President Monson
Finding Joy In the Journey

Date Night

“Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together – just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling. It doesn't need to be costly. The time together is the most important element."

 - Elder Joe J. Christensen, formerly of the Presidency of the Seventy

Wake Up Calls for Husbands & Wives

Wake Up Call for Wives
Tips include: Give him time to unwind, Listen to him, Let him know how much you love and appreciate him...

“The wife, also should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him. She should not nag him. She should not try to arouse his anger or make things unpleasant about the home. The wife should be a joy to her husband, and she should live and conduct herself at home so the home will be the most joyous, the most blessed place on earth to her husband. This should be the condition of the husband, wife, the father and the mother, within the sacred precinct of that holy place, the home.”  (Gospel Doctrine, 283–84)


Wake Up Call for Husbands
“Your wife is your equal. In marriage neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other. You walk side by side as a son and a daughter of God. She is not to be demeaned or insulted but should be respected and loved. Said President Gordon B. Hinckley: ‘Any man in this Church who … exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.’ (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood,” Liahona, July 2002, 60; Ensign, May 2002, 54. 8)

Expressions of Love

How do you show your spouse you love him/her?

What's your favorite thing he/she does for you?

Watch Your Step

http://youtu.be/gWQ5dPeixdw



This is a great video by the LDS Church showing the slippery slope of addiction. I think the message can still be applied to variety of struggles and addictions- not just pornography. What demons are you fighting and what's been helpful for you?

When we face such temptations in our time, we must declare, as young Nephi did in his, “[I will] give place no more for the enemy of my soul." I promise you that the light of His everlasting gospel can and will again shine brightly where you feared life had gone hopelessly, helplessly dark.

See CombatingPornography.org to find resources to help prevent or overcome pornography addiction.

Also, you can read, watch, or listen to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s April 2010 general conference address, “Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul,” which is excerpted in this video.

Mormon Women: The Weight of a Soul

This was such a powerful interview.
Go read about Beth and her battle with body image and eating.
http://www.mormonwomen.com/2011/07/13/the-weight-of-a-soul/

The really hard thing about eating disorders is that you have to eat. You can’t separate yourself from food.