Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Crazy Postpartum Thoughts

Tonight, I confessed to Aaron my worst thought after having Aidan. Aaron was shocked!

There was one night where I think I had 2 hours of sleep total in 10-30 minute spurts. I was in Aidan's room in the rocking chair and he kept crying and crying and wanting to eat and I remember visualizing throwing him at a wall and him landing in his crib. I would never, ever, ever do that, but I pictured it.

My turning point for letting him cry it out was after another crazy night. I'll have to post about that later, though.

I was telling my friend about it at work today and she showed me this clip from Scrubs.

What was your worst thought postpartum?
You can post anonymously if you'd like.


Anonymous said...

When I was a new mom I vividly remember being alone with my baby one evening when I was extremely sleep deprived and frustrated. My little boy kept crying and crying and nothing I did helped. I remember briefly picturing putting the pillow over his face...just to get a moment's peace. I also remember being shocked and angry at myself for feeling that way, however I have since learned that all mother's have temporary moments of insanity and that what matters most is what you DO about it. I was able to see that I was not in a good place at that moment and needed to step away, so I placed my baby in his bed where I knew he would be safe and walked away until I felt I was able to come back and calmly and lovingly deal with the situation.

Anonymous said...

I'm shocked there aren't more comments. I'm just now seeing this post and it is refreshing. I wish more people talked about the "Dark Side" of Motherhood. Especially in the church a pretty picture seems to be painted more than reality, which I think adds to the stress, less than mentality,failure, and deficency we feel as mothers.
Because the Daark Side isn't talked about more, women don't get the help or ask for help when we need it. We don't want to be seen as failures or be judged. And in turn unfortunatly sometimes the kids pay the price in a major way.
For my childs safety, and my sanity I have left him in his crib to cry plenty of times, gone to my room, put the pillow over my head and prayed and prayed for strength to come. And it always has, quicker than I expected my heart was touched and filled with love and patience and I'm able to go back for round 2...or 3...or 4. Some days a morning prayer gets me through the day, other days, a prayer every minute is all that gets me through...and a Grandma on those really rough days. =) Thank you for posting this. Way to be honest!

Anonymous said...

I've had all the thoughts. Throwing, smothering,just leaving. I felt so awful for thinking that way. I felt crazy. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn't confess to anyone. Not even my doctor. I didn't want to admit it aloud. My daughter is now 3, and I still have strange thoughts and feelings. I probably need medication, but I'm afraid of being prescribed something that will have reverse affects, and I don't have a lot of trust in very many general practitioners. Thank you for sharing. I wish I had found a message like this 3 years ago, when I was super crazy.

Anonymous said...

I too have had horrible scary vivid thoughts. I have a 4 yr old and a 9 month old. Your mind just goes there sometimes.

Anonymous said...

With my first child I didn't visualize myself doing things to her as much as I visualized every single gruesome thing that could happen to her. I had nightmares. I had daymares. It got so frightening, I asked my husband for a blessing. And I banished myself from every CSI, NCIS, Bones,show that would fuel it to keep the peace.
For my second child I kept fantasizing jumping in my car and running away. I think my mind has blocked out my worst stuff though. I have had them I can't think of them at the moment.