Marriage is Hard, Life is Hard: "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

"...I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead—only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They “draw back,” as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.

I am not saying you shouldn’t be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people’s lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."...

Virtually everyone in the room knows the formula for revelation given in section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants—you know, the verses about studying it out in your mind and the Lord promising to confirm or deny. What most of us don’t read in conjunction with this is the section that precedes it—section 8. In that revelation the Lord defined revelation:

I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. [I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way—mind and heart combined, by the Holy Ghost.]"

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=795

Advice from Elder Busche

Elder F. Enzio Busche

Quorum of the Seventy

BYU Devotional May 14, 1996

I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when we, from time to time, ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts.

Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.

In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.

First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness.

You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.

Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. God knows that you are not perfect.

As you suffer about your imperfections he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you.

Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place.

Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.

When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge help them to become their own judges.

If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.

Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm.

On the road to salvation let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words.

Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.

Be not so much concerned about what you do, but what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.

You want to be good and do good, that is commendable, but the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.

The pain of sacrifice last only on moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.

And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson God wants to give you something better.

Thus, we prepare all the days of our lives, and, as we grow death loses its sting, hell loses its power, and we look forward to that day with anticipation of joy when He will come in his glory.

Yes, My Husband is Full-Time Dad Right Now

Aaron has been a full-time stay at home dad since the end of December while trying to figure out his next step in school and career. I have no idea what it's really like for him and he insists, "I don't care what other people think." But you'd be surprised the kind of comments I get about him staying home with Aidan. I don't think he's had very many comments directly, but I know he's aware of others' looks and possible perceptions about him.

In the past 3 weeks, I have had some stunning comments when talking to people. The conversation usually goes something like this:

"What do you do?"
"I work full-time as a therapist treating women and girls with eating disorders during the day. I'm also trying to finish a PhD in Marriage & Family Therapy."
"And what's your husband doing?"
"Right now, he's at home with our son full-time trying to figure out the next plan for school and work."

And that's when the comments get interesting to me.

"Wait, he's not working and you are?... and you're 7 months pregnant?"
"He's not in school or working?! He needs to be pulling some of the weight- don't you think?"
"Well, that doesn't seem fair."
"Um.... oh...... cool....."

I usually respond with something diplomatic like,
"Yes, our son is so lucky to have this opportunity with him. Many kids don't get this much time with their dad. They have an awesome bond. And I'm lucky to have a job I love."
"This is what works best for our family right now. It was getting a bit crazy with us both working part-time and doing school full-time and neither having benefits. This was a great fit for us right now."
"I don't expect this to be permanent nor do either one of us want it to be. I know Aaron would rather be working, but right now we're still working together on getting there."
"Yeah, isn't it great that we were blessed with this full-time job opportunity and that I've been able to receive a good education to help me get this job? Many couples are just working crazily with scheduling and neither get much time with their kids while they're in this stage of life and in school."

I don't think any of those previous comments would be said to a father who said his wife was a stay at home mom. Okay, maybe some people, but it wouldn't be as socially acceptable- right? You'd never say a SAHM wasn't pulling her weight without some repercussion.

In searching for experiences from other LDS SAHDs I came across this and enjoyed reading a first-hand experience from a dad that worked through a lot of the social stigma.

Aaron tells me about how he takes Aidan to the zoo or other places and many women look at him like "Please, don't steal my child". A child ran away from his mother the other day at the zoo and came near Aaron and his mother quickly chided him and insisted he get away and come back while flashing Aaron a panicked glance.

Or how if he's at a playground, people look at him like he's crazy for being there playing with his child.

Aaron doesn't get to just go hang out with other stay at home parents during play group. It's just not socially acceptable.

He can't just go knock doors around the neighborhood of other stay at home parents when he's feeling overwhelmed and find somebody to hang out and talk to while the kids play together.

I believe his job staying at home is actually much more difficult than it would be if it were me. There is such a support network readily available to moms- especially in the church around here.

It's just so interesting to me that there are still such firm stereotypes against men that they must be fulfilling their duty to provide for their family to "be a man". I think this is going to be a lot harder to break than women being in the workforce. Men probably do get a lot more judgement than a woman breaking from her traditional role as a full-time SAHM if they go against their traditional role as provider. Maybe men just don't whine about it as much as people like I do and that's why it's not getting as much attention? Think about how hard it typically is for a man to get time off work for a sick child or something else.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm grateful that Aaron is such a good dad and doesn't seem to care what other people think. I want to acknowledge how difficult it is for him and I think he deserves a lot more credit than people give him (and even what I give him at times) and other stay at home dads or even just fathers involved in their children's lives. Parenting isn't easy. Every child deserves a good father and mother actively involved in their life.


"HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations...

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation..." (here)

The Position of the Church on Prioritizing Womanhood: Education and/or Motherhood?

I wrote this paper for a Religion Class (REL 333) at BYU with Br. Newell during my undergrad in 2007 and just stumbled upon it while organizing some files. I was extremely, extremely conflicted about pursuing a graduate degree and when to start our family and chose to make that the topic of this paper and researched some church guidelines.

Hope this might help some other women who are having the same wonderings.

The Position of the Church on Prioritizing Womanhood: Education and/or Motherhood?

Conclusion

The church’s position regarding the decision to continue an education or begin parenthood is between the couple and the Lord as stated in the attached research. It is not directly stated that one should always come before the other or whether motherhood and education should occur tangentially. However, a main responsibility and privilege of couples is to bring children into this world as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

The family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children…. [and] God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S., 2005)

The commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” was the first commandment given to Adam and Eve anteceding the Fall (See Genesis 1:28 & Moses 2:28). This first commandment is still as much of a commandment as it was in the beginning. It should remain on all couples’ minds as they prayerfully ponder when to begin bringing children into this world. It is also important to note that the spirit doesn’t always move us with a voice of thunder and lightening.

True to the Faith, a book which describes positions of the church on various gospel principles, elaborates on the church’s position regarding when and how many children a couple should have.

If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness. As you do so consider the sanctity and meaning of life. Ponder the joy that comes when children are in the home. Consider the eternal blessings that come from having a good posterity. With a testimony of these principles, you and your spouse will be prepared to prayerfully decide how many children to have and when to have them. Such decisions are between the two of you and the Lord. (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S., 2004; Emphasis added)

There is no specific time frame that a couple must have children. Some couples may not have children for many years while others become pregnant quickly after marriage. We are not to judge each other in this matter. We may look to the brethren that guide our church as examples; some of the apostles have as many as ten children while others have two, some began their families almost immediately while others did not. These are very private and sacred matters that should be left between the couple and the Lord.

            All of God’s children are different and may be directed down different paths. God will not lead us astray. It is best that we heed the promptings of the spirit as directed and counsel with the Lord and our spouse regarding when to have children. In 1987, President Ezra Taft Benson counseled couples at a fireside:

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children, being co-creators with Father in Heaven. Do not use the reasoning of the world, such as, ‘We’ll wait until we can better afford having children, until we are more secure, until John has completed his education, until he has a better paying job, until we have a larger home, until we’ve obtained a few of the material conveniences’ and on and on. Mothers who enjoy good health, have you children and have them early. (Benson, E.T., 1987)

While this counsel was stated over 20 years ago, it has not been refuted by any of the following prophets. Couples are not to put materialistic wants above the commandments of God. This is not to say that couples should not prepare wisely financially, emotionally, and physically for children. However, couples should remain cautious and prayerful as they consider their priorities- what is truly needed and what is simply regarded as a “material convenience”?

Years before this statement by President Benson, President Kimball counseled:

After marriage young wives should be occupied in bearing and rearing children. I know of no scriptures or authorities which authorize young wives to delay their families or to go to work to put their husbands through college. Young married couples can make their way and reach their educational heights, if they are determined. (Kimball, S.W., 1976)

Couples should not delay beginning their family for selfish reasons. Through faith and works couples may come to realize and obtain their educational goals (See James 2:24). It may not be immediately and it may not even be in this life, but the education gained from having an eternal family is endless. President James E. Faust has also counseled that “[We] need not try to sing all of the verses of [our] song at the same time” (Faust, J.E., 1986). There is order to all that needs to be done.

            President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled members of the church to obtain as much education and knowledge as possible. “It is the obligation of every woman of this Church to get all the education she can. It will enlarge her life and increase her opportunities. It will provide her with marketable skills in case she needs them” (Hinckley, G.B., 2006). President Hinckley is constantly reminding us to be prepared for our future. Notice that he states “in case she needs them”. President Hinckley in no way is instructing women to work hard with education and a full-time career as the goal- although there are situations that merit this circumstance. It is important to realize that education does not only mean knowledge gained in a university, college or classroom setting- knowledge may be gained through an assortment of ways.

President Howard W. Hunter also stated that “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind” The purpose of our existence on this earth is to become exalted as gods and goddesses in the next life. Should we not strive here and now to become as near to divinity as possible? Many factors affect a couples’ life as they contemplate when to begin bearing and raising children, but the most important component of the decision is being led prayerfully by the Holy Ghost.

Personal Insights

            As a child, I was always blessed to have a full-time mother while my father worked outside the home. My mother was always home upon my arrival from school and work. My father often traveled, but was home occasionally and always helped fulfill household responsibilities. About four years ago, my father was in a car accident which left him permanently disabled. He has since been unable to do many things that he enjoyed previously including sports and more importantly has not been able to maintain a career.

            My mother and father had been married about 23 years at the time of his accident and the youngest child, my sister, was only 8 years old. As stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “disability… may necessitate individual adaptation” which is precisely what occurred in my family (Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B. & Monson, T.S 1995). We hoped for a few months that my father would recover quickly and be able to return to at least part-time work and continue providing for our family. However, even to this day he is still not able to work. My mother had obtained a bachelor’s degree in Spanish with a minor in French and had also worked as a teacher during the first few years of my parents’ married life. My mom began looking for a job as soon as we realized that their retirement money and life savings were dwindling quite rapidly.

            Due in large part to my mom’s degree and past experience she was able to attain a job that she enjoys- working as an office assistant for LDS Facilities Management. It has been a huge blessing to us that my mom was able to get a job that she enjoys and that provides the necessary income for the family to survive. My mother’s job probably barely brings in a fourth as much as my father’s job did in the past and they can only make ends meet because my father has private disability insurance which only lasts a few more years. They hope to pay off debt that was incurred in a business fraud just before his accident. After the disability income runs out, hopefully my father will have Social Security disability approved. However, for the time being, my family is able to live well and be self-sufficient and even still have time for the occasional vacation

            With the constant rise of education and knowledge available I realize that my mother was probably lucky to obtain the job she currently possesses- especially as a woman who hadn’t worked in 20 years with only a bachelor’s degree. I realize that opportunities like this are not very common, but I also realize the importance of faith that must be exhibited and maybe that’s where I struggle the most. Occasionally I find myself thinking that I am now obligated to get as much education as possible as quickly as possible just to be “safe”. Sometimes I think to myself that “something bad will happen. I just don’t know what.”

            I will graduate next year with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology at the age of 20. By the time of my graduation, my husband and I will have been married for almost two years. My husband will still have at least 2 years left of his undergraduate degree and then he plans to obtain both an MBA/JD. I had always planned to obtain a Master’s Degree as a child and teenager, but I never really expected to be married this young or even at all during my undergraduate education.

            While discussing with my husband President Hinckley’s counsel to obtain all the education we can he pointed out that education doesn’t necessarily mean attending a university or college. Education includes the knowledge we gain from reading and participating in various activities and learning new skills. We have been told, “The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth (D&C 93:36).” Many, if not all things, are learned through the spirit and it is this knowledge that we take with us into the next life.

            Children are to be raised in an atmosphere of peace, love and joy- an atmosphere of the gospel- surrounded by those that love and care for them. In order for children to be raised in this kind of atmosphere it is essential that both parents agree and set standards for their home. Families must participate regularly in family home evening, prayer and scripture study starting from the first day of marriage to establish good habits. I strongly believe that a couples’ relationship must be firm (but obviously not perfect) before bringing children into the home. I have witnessed the sorrow and grief that occurs when couples believe that a child will make things better and easier. It is upon a firm foundation as a husband and wife that children are to be raised.

            While I have not necessarily reached a conclusion for myself as to what I will do about graduate school next year, I will continue to trust the Lord and rely upon him for guidance. He knows my situation better than anyone- including myself.

References

Benson, E.T. (1987, February). To the Mothers in Zion. Retrieved May 18, 2007, from Brigham Young University: Faculty Center for Teaching and Learning: http://fc.byu.edu/jpages/ee/w_etb87.htm.

Clark, J.R. (1965-75). Messages of the First Presidency, 6 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 6:178. Retrieved May 16, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=bacd3ff73058b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

Faust, J.E. (1986). A Message to My Granddaughters: Becoming Great Women. Ensign, 16. Retrieved May 12, 2007 from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=3e23ef960417b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1.

            ““[We] need not try to sing all of the verses of [our] song at the same time” (Faust, J.E., 1986).”

 Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S. (2004). Birth Control. In True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference. (pp. 26) Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Faust, J.E., Hinckley, G.B., Monson, T.S. (2005, September). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved May 16, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,105-1-11-1,00.html.

Hinckley, G.B. (2006, November). In the Arms of His Love. Ensign, 115-118. Retrieved on May 28, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=05eb88f17feae010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1.

Kimball, S.W. (1976, February). Marriage- The Proper Way. New Era, 4. Retrieved on May 28, 2007, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=58fc5930f289b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

Wear Pants to LDS Church

Some women within the LDS Church chose to wear pants this past Sunday.

"This event is the first act of All Enlisted, a direct action group for Mormon women to advocate for equality within our faith. We do not seek to eradicate the differences between women and men, but we do want the LDS church and its members to acknowledge the similarities. We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality."

I have a few friends that participated. I, however, didn't wear pants to church on Sunday.

The event and purpose seemed to shift a bit throughout the week. At first, it seemed the event was a statement against LDS culture AND doctrine. I, personally, acknowledge there are some rigid gender stereotypes and expectations within the culture. I have a testimony of the doctrine taught within the LDS church and sustain the priesthood leaders.

Throughout the week, it seemed to shift into a statement about wearing pants instead of having to feel like they should wear a skirt or pants. I also saw some just making a statement about the cultural differences within the church and wanting that to change.

I chose to wear a skirt because I believe in the doctrine and also because I believe that a dress or skirt does represent my Sunday Best (to me). I know that I could wear pants if I wanted to and there haven't been any statements against wearing pants. But I like to be dressy and girly in a skirt. I feel more feminine. Sure, it's not always the most comfortable. But I am a girl and I'm so okay with that. I know some will argue that I'm just buying into the cultural expectations and stooping to a lower level by giving in and wearing a skirt. I don't feel that way.

I'm a bit of a feminist (in case you hadn't noticed), but not the man-hating kind that people usually hear about and stereotype. I think my role as a woman is complemented by Aaron's as a husband and love that we can work together in our goal of eternal families. I really loved this article about why she is a Mormon because she's a feminist.

Here's a comment I wrote on facebook about the cultural difficulties that can occur:
I have definitely experienced firsthand sexist and demeaning comments from leaders and other members of the church- even within my own family. I know that the attitude of some members is lacking and I understand how women can feel less-than. I always remember my mom telling me, "Remember, the church is perfect, but its members aren't." I don't feel like the doctrine, leaders of the church or God have ever looked down on me for being a woman. Nor, do I feel like they put Aaron up on a pedestal for being a man and holding the priesthood. I get a lot of crap for getting a higher education and doing it after I was married and then doing more after having a child and then working outside of the home right now "not being there for my son" and having Aaron "suffer through staying at home because he deserves more than that." Yes, these comments are offensive and I sometimes cry, but they are just other people saying them. Luckily I have an awesome husband who can talk me through incidents like this and I also believe I receive comfort through prayer knowing that I am doing alright. I really believe in families and that I am here to learn to work with Aaron to build a family. I'm grateful that we can complement each other in our roles, responsibilities and callings. I can't let others opinions get in my way.

I think it can be especially hard when some of these comments come from local leaders and are taught like doctrine like in your example. I see unrighteous dominion in many marriages and its horrible. I think the word "preside" is often taken out of context. I really like this even though it's a few years old -https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng. I think there as another one more recently that addresses similar issues.

On a somewhat related note (to me anyway), I have had many clients whose priesthood leaders instruct them to "pray harder" or "sleep with a Book of Mormon under your pillow" to cure depression or other mental disorders, but the truth is they aren't trained to know how to treat mental illness. They are human and trying to help out of kindness and will make mistakes in their effort to help others. I have been impressed by the church's efforts to help more leaders to refer to mental health providers instead of doing the counseling themselves as bishops etc. I think when church leaders find out about incidents like this, they try to act quickly because they recognize it's not okay and that practices like these are not doctrine.

A follow up comment from my cousin:
Practical faith sometimes escapes us as members. Here's a story from conference for you from Elder Oaks: "When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body."

Stake Conference Counsel

Our Stake President (LDS area leader) has asked that we remove all violent video games from your home. FYI: This is in a BYU Student Married Stake. This is the second time he's announced and suggested we do this on our homes. He used the updated For the Strength of Youth guidelines as well as a talk by Elder Bednar and a few other things and told us he felt really strongly that we should follow this counsel and we'd be blessed for our obedience and diligence. This would not be a difficult thing for me personally because I'm not really into the violent games to start with (and it doesn't hurt that I'm horrible at them anyway), but I have some married friends that play games together and my husband spends time playing a variety of video and computer games. Just got me thinking.

If your stake president asked you to remove all violent video games from your home,

What would you do and why?

Some of the quotes he used and the video he told us to watch in FHE:

"...Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way..."

I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace interactions and experiences upon our souls. 

55 FHE Ideas with a Toddler

We have been pretty bad at doing Family Home Evening the past few months because we haven't been able to figure out the balance between us doing something and including Aidan.

In Relief Society the other week, we were asked to set some goals to improve our spirituality and other areas of life and I had this brilliant idea to come up with FHE ideas and lessons that we could include Aidan in.

I just put a basic header with the topic of each lesson. We'll talk about what we can related to the subject and then do the activity. Some of these ideas are better for a younger toddler and others are for an older toddler. Those with an asterisk are for holidays and special occasions. I've hyper linked some of the ideas to their sources. All of the songs are from the Children's Songbook unless they say otherwise.

PRAYER
Song: A Child’s Prayer #12
Activity: Use the prayer puppet. Talk about how you’re supposed to pray and help your toddler say the closing prayer

DAVID & GOLIATH
Song: I Will Be Valiant #162
Activity: Tell the story of David & Goliath. Make paper rocks and throw them at Daddy.

AMMON
Song: Book of Mormon Stories #118
Activity: Have your toddler pretend to cut off arms.

TOWER OF BABEL
Song: Children All Over the World #16
Activity: Build a tall tower out of jenga blocks or marshmallows and toothpicks.

ARTICLES OF FAITH
Songs & Activity: Go through the Articles of Faith songs #122-132

FAMILY HISTORY
Song: Family History #94
Activity: Go through pictures of grandparents, cousins and other family members and practice saying their
names.

MASTERPIECE MAKER
Song: My Heavenly Father Loves Me #228
Activity: Watch Create (Mormon Message). Make things with PB Dough and snacks

FAITH
Song: Faith #96
Activity: Talk about how faith is like a seed and needs nourishment to grow. Plant a garden or indoor plant.

ORGANIZE YOURSELVES
Song: A Young Man Prepared #166
Activity: Sort objects by color, shape etc.

GOSPEL ART KIT
Song: I Want to Live the gospel #148
Activity: Have your toddler pick a picture and then talk about the picture and point out things and people they might recognize.

FORTIFY OUR FAMILIES
Song: Families Can be Together Forever #188
Activity: Have a Lego fort built. Knock it over and rebuild it.

JESUS CHRIST
Song: The Church of Jesus Christ #77
Activity: Print out The Story of Jesus Christ and have it ready to color and talk about.

LEHI’S DREAM
Song: The Iron Rod Hymn #274
Activity: Have a piece of string taped up around the house. Hold on to it and follow the string from room to room.

REVERENCE
Song: Reverence #27
Activity: Cut out the reverent child and talk about what it means to be reverent and why

HEAVENLY FATHER
Song: I Need my Heavenly Father #18
Activity: Trace your toddler’s body on butcher paper. Talk about how Heavenly Father has a body like us.

KEEPING COMMANDMENTS
Song: Keep the Commandments #146
Activity: Talk about how keeping the commandments keep us safe. Use toy animals and Legos to surround them and talk about how animals can’t get out into trouble because the fence keeps them safe.

NOAH’S ARK
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Use the page from the quiet book to tell the story and name the animals.

OBEDIENCE
Song: Quickly I’ll Obey #197
Activity: Play Mother May I, Simon Says. Talk about how obedience to our parents keeps us happy and safe.

LEHI’S JOURNEY
Song: Nephi’s Courage #120
Activity: Set up a tent in the living room “Father dwelt in a tent” and read the story

TEMPLES
Song: I Love to See the Temple #95
Activity: Make Temples out of play dough.
Activity #2: Go walk around the temple grounds

USING OUR TALENTS
Song: When grandpa Comes #201
Activity: Draw pictures for great-grandparents and grandparents

HEALTH CARE
Song: For Health & Strength #21
Activity: Put together Humanitarian Aid Kits. Help your toddler put objects in a bag.

WORD OF WISDOM- HEALTH
Song: Healthy Wealthy & Wise #280
Activity: Create and do an obstacle course together or practice physical activities (e.g. jumping, running)

WORD OF WISDOM- FOOD
Song: The Prophet Said to Plant a Garden #237
Activity: Eat and name healthy snacks

FOLLOW THE PROPHET
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Popsicle stick puzzle with President Monson’s face

GENTLENESS
Song: I’m Trying to be Like Jesus
Activity: Put your hand into a bag to guess and grab objects

JESUS CALMS THE SEA
Song: Tell Me the stories of Jesus #57
Activity: Create a tempest in a bottle

JONAH & THE WHALE
Song: The Books in the Old Testament #114
Activity: Eat Goldfish/Whales

THE HOLY GHOST
Song: The Still Small Voice #106
Activity: Play the Listen Game

WISE MAN
Song: The Wise Man & the Foolish Man #281
Activity: Teach the song and movements

CHOICES
Song: Choose the Right Hymn# 239
Activity: Play a game where you give them directions. You can have one parent be the good parent and the other give bad directions or just both direct them.

BOOK OF MORMON
Song: Book of Mormon Stories #118
Activity: Teach the song and movements

MUSIC IN THE HOME
Song: Pick various songs
Activity: play piano, maracas, teach how to conduct etc.

RAIN IN THE DESERT
Song: Rain is falling all around #241
Activity: Make rain in the tub or over sink

FISHER’S OF MEN
Song: I Feel My Savior’s Love #74
Activity: Put peanut butter on celery and go fishing for goldfish on plate

I SPY
Song: Two Little Eyes #268
Activity: Create an I spy bag with object related to gospel or things your toddler recognizes

NEPHI
Song: Nephi’s Courage #120
Activity: Create floating boats and put them in the tub or go race them down a local stream

MANNA
Song: Follow the Prophet #110
Activity: Bake and eat bread

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
Song: Love One Another #136
Activity: Heart Attack the neighbor’s House

TITLE OF LIBERTY
Song: The Books of the Book of Mormon #119
Activity: Create and wave around a homemade version of title of liberty.

WORKING HARD
Song: The Things I Do #170
Activity: Create a Toddler Chore Chart

DANIEL & LION’S DEN
Song: Keep the Commandments #110
Activity: Chase your toddler around like a lion. Maybe, have one parent protect them from the lions.

THE ARMOR OF GOD
Song: I Will be Valiant #162
Activity: Dress your toddler in armor using kitchen utensils, paper etc.

GOLDEN PLATES
Song: The Golden Plates #86
Activity: Color Foil on cardboard like plates.
Activity #2: Put together puzzle of Joseph Smith

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
Song: Choose the Right Way #160
Activity: Dominos

MISSIONARIES
Song: I Hope they call me on a Mission #169
Activity: Dress up as a missionary. Color and make your own tag

*EASTER
Song: Easter Hosanna #68
Activity: Dye Easter Eggs
Activity #2: Make Resurrection Cookies

*RESURRECTION
Song: On a Golden Springtime #89
Activity: Resurrection Easter Egg hunt

*BIRTH OF JESUS
Song: Samuel Tells of Baby Jesus #36
Activity: Act out the nativity

*THANKSGIVING
Song: Thanks to our Father #20
Activity: Trace hands and make turkeys

*CHRISTMAS SYMBOLS
Song: Have a Very Merry Christmas #51
Activity: Create a poster board with symbols of Christmas and have a cut out of each symbol. Have your toddler match the symbols as you talk about what they each mean.

*YEAR IN REVIEW
Song: A Happy Family #198
Activity: Look at pictures from the past year and organize them

Comforting Letter from a Professor

Yesterday, I was having a rough day. Tuesdays I'm basically gone 9-7. I have two one-hour breaks between classes. Both times I came home yesterday Aaron had just put Aidan down for a nap. I went to class teary eyed because I felt like I was missing out on so much happening in Aidan's life. Some days it's harder than others. I very briefly explained to my professor my puffy eyes and face. There's another student in my program who has a six-month old son and he's been struggling leaving him home, too. Later that evening, my professor sent us the following email:

"I'd like to share that story with you now. I share it simply in the spirit of sympathy and support. I think, too, that probably many of the faculty could share a similar story, and understand, and have real sympathy for the challenges you both face.

I remember when I was in the middle of my doctoral program at Texas Tech University. I was still in the process of seeing clients several evenings a week. Additionally, we had practicum one evening a week, and it lasted from 5 PM to 10 PM.

One night, exhausted at the end of a long day that had begun early in the morning and extended well past 10 PM, I remember driving home and arriving home feeling very mournful. All the lights were off. I got out of the car and walked to the front door, but instead of opening the door and walking in, I knocked. My wife, Shelly, came to the front door and opened it to find me there. She immediately drew a perplexed expression, wondering why I hadn't just come in.

With tears forming in my eyes, I said, “I don't know if I can do this. I leave in the mornings, sometimes before the children are even up, and always before I've had enough time with them. I'm gone all day and come home at night, often after they're already in bed, or at best with just a few minutes before they do go to bed. This isn't what I ever wanted—you know all I ever wanted was to be a father. I feel like I'm missing everything I've lived for. And isn't it ironic to be pursuing the profession of a marriage and family therapist and feel that I'm hardly a father to my own children.”

At that point, Shelly said, “Mark, the children are alright. We'll be fine. The sacrifice is only for a time, and our family will be blessed by it down the road.” Shelly was right. Things got a lot better during the third year of the program, and better and better since then.

I just wanted you to know that I feel sympathy for the challenges you are both facing as you attempt to be both father/mother and full-time doctoral student. 

For some reason, I think it's also important to know that many men face and feel the same feelings as mothers, on a daily basis, and sometimes truly resent the necessity of paid work away from home that takes them away from their children and families through so many important events in their lives. I hope we can all work and advocate for the sanity of family-work balance that allows both fathers and mothers the time they so desire at home."

Often in school, we don't get or take the time to get to know the faculty and feel like they don't really take the time to get to know us or care about anything we're doing outside of their class. I'm so grateful for moments like this that remind me that there's a reason I'm at BYU studying Marriage & Family Therapy and that even though some days it is crazy, it will be worth it and our family will get through it.

What to say and what NOT to say when talking to kids about weight

http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/09/14/7746147-what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-when-talking-to-kids-about-weight

1. DO talk about living a healthier lifestyle. Explain that making healthier eating choices will fuel your child’s body for school and fun and that getting physical activity and enough sleep will energize him.
DON’T talk about losing weight or dieting. Placing the focus on weight loss or diets can contribute to eating-disordered thoughts and behaviors. In addition, kids need a wide range of foods to be healthy, but diets don’t provide this; balanced choices do. Don’t make any forbidden, as there is a place for all foods in a healthy lifestyle.

2. DO make it a family affair. Tell your child that everyone in the family will work together to live a healthier lifestyle and encourage him or her to learn about healthy habits on their own and in a fun way by visiting www.fit.webmd.com.
DON’T single out one child. It will be too difficult for a child to make healthy changes if she is the only one eating healthy and exercising.

3. DO talk to your child about making sure he gets enough sleep and has adequate time to relax. When kids are sleep deprived or stressed, it is difficult for them to keep a healthy weight
DON’T pack your child’s schedule so full of activity that there is no time for unstructured play. All kids need downtime to play actively and creatively. Having the opportunity to do so will help your child relax and unwind in order to get a good night’s sleep.

4. DO make exercise fun. Explain that exercise can be play – like bike riding and playing in the park. When your child realizes this, she will be happy about moving her body.
DON’T tell your child that he must exercise every day. Instead, tell him that you will begin to plan fun ‘moving’ activities so the whole family can get healthier together.

5. DO tell your child that you love her inside and out. Reinforce that you are proud of her and tell her that, even if it takes a while to become successful at making healthier choices, you will support her as she tries.
DON’T tell your child she is ‘fat’ or ‘overweight’. Also, resist the urge to ask her to ‘try harder’ or ‘work at it more’ – or similar phrases. Your child will hear only the negatives. It is tough to become healthier, so your child needs as much support and positive feedback as possible.

For more tips and advice, including how to speak to kids of specific ages – and what to do if you suspect your child is being bullied about his or her weight – please visit www.webmd.com/raisingfitkids. 

Americans Growing Intolerant of Children?

A restaurant in Pittsburg recently banned children under 6 from their restaurant.
"They've just become too much of a bother to other customers...This is a three-part issue. One is the increasing number of small babies that can’t be controlled. They can’t be quiet and really they can’t be expected to.” The second factor is kindergarten-aged kids who “have shown increasingly poor manners.” And lastly he blames parents, who “act like we’re the ones being offensive” when staff members ask them to calm their children down.
A survey at the bottom of the article says 44% would like to have all children removed from all restaurants. 3% say no, never. The remaining 53% say it depends on the restaurant.

There have been airlines recently to ban children from areas of the aircraft and are talking of banning children from certain flights completely.

I also read an article about how permissive parents breed bratty children. It states that children aren't to be treated as the "center of the universe" and how if you're a good parent you wouldn't have to repeat yourself more than once. The author says they don't want to hear your child on an airplane, in a restaurant or in a grocery store. Yes, sure, it'd be nice to go to the grocery store child-free sometimes, but really?! The real kicker here is that the author has children.

I don't know about you, but I can't always predict what mood by child's going to be in. We might have to rush dinner really fast. I doubt that he will always listen to me the first time I ask him to do something or that "the look" will get him to do what I want. There's only so much as a parent that I can "control". Every kid has his/her own temperament and tolerance. This is even evident as a newborn.

I think that our children should be the center of our universe. We should teach them manners. We should teach them true principles. We should be good examples to them. We should encourage them to be socially active and expose them to varying aspects and environments in the world. We should be with them as much as possible and show and share our unconditional love for them.

I realize this is a bit scatter-brained, but it was just so interesting to me and I had to get something out about it.

Check out The Parents Corner for some great Parenting Tips.

Moments that Matter Most

"We would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most.


Diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world. That is why “we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, … that [we] may know to what source [we] may look for a remission of [our] sins.” ⁸ In the complexity, confusion, and rush of modern living, this is the “more excellent way.” 


Of Things that Matter Most- President Uchtdorf

The do not love that do not show their love

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." 


President Monson
Finding Joy In the Journey

Moooooom!

This was a nightly occurrence at my house growing up.

Especially when it was time for Mom to tuck us in to bed.

Anyone else?

Watch Your Step

http://youtu.be/gWQ5dPeixdw



This is a great video by the LDS Church showing the slippery slope of addiction. I think the message can still be applied to variety of struggles and addictions- not just pornography. What demons are you fighting and what's been helpful for you?

When we face such temptations in our time, we must declare, as young Nephi did in his, “[I will] give place no more for the enemy of my soul." I promise you that the light of His everlasting gospel can and will again shine brightly where you feared life had gone hopelessly, helplessly dark.

See CombatingPornography.org to find resources to help prevent or overcome pornography addiction.

Also, you can read, watch, or listen to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s April 2010 general conference address, “Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul,” which is excerpted in this video.

Remember Lot's Wife

I attended this devotional at BYU in January 2009 and it really changed my outlook on life, my work as a therapist and my marriage.

I've put some excerpts here, but go watch it if you have the time. It's about 30 minutes long.

Remember Lot's Wife
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
As a scriptural theme for this discussion I have chosen the second shortest verse in all of Holy Scripture...It is Luke 17:32, where the Savior cautions, "Remember Lot's wife."

The original story, of course, comes to us out of the days of Sodom and Gomorrah when the Lord, having had as much as He could stand of the worst that men and women could do, told Lot and his family to flee because those cities were about to be destroyed. "Escape for thy life," the Lord said, "look not behind thee . . . ; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed" (Genesis 19:17).

Surely with the Lord's counsel "look not behind thee" ringing clearly in her ears, Lot's wife, the record says, "looked back," and she was turned to a pillar of salt.

So, if history is this important ‐‐ and it surely is ‐‐ what did Lot's wife do that was so wrong?

Apparently what was wrong with Lot's wife is that she wasn't just looking back, but that in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before they were past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her. As Elder Maxwell once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in Zion but they still hope to keep a
summer cottage in Babylon. It is possible that Lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. We know that Laman and Lemuel did when Lehi and his family were commanded to leave Jerusalem. So it isn't just that she looked
back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. That, apparently, was at least part of her sin.

The past is to be learned from but not lived in.

There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life ‐‐ either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the
Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes ‐‐ our own or other people's ‐‐ is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.

That happens in marriages, too, and in the other relationships we have. I can't tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through
the window "pain" of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other
wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is it hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don't keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone saying, "Hey! Do you remember this?" Splat! Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, "Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?" Splat. And everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what our Father in Heaven pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.

Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is not right! It is not the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

In these cases of marriage and family, and wards and apartments and neighborhoods we can end up destroying so many, many others.

"Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more" (D&C 58:42).

We can be so hard on ourselves, often much more so than with others! Like the Anti‐ Nephi‐Lehies of the Book of Mormon, bury your weapons of war, and leave them buried. Forgive, and do that which is harder than to forgive. Forget. And when it comes to mind, forget it again. You can remember just enough to avoid repeating the mistake, but put the rest of it on the dung heap Paul spoke of to those Philippians.

Dismiss the destructive and keep dismissing it, until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future, and the bright future of your family and your friends and your neighbors.

To all such of every generation I call out, "Remember Lot's wife." Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ is the "high priest of good things to come."

Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant, and live to see the miracles of repentance and
forgiveness, trust and divine love transform your life today, tomorrow and forever."