I've been trying to get myself to write at least one post on my honest experience thus far working full-time. I've had a million thoughts and things that I thought I should say. Many thoughts were followed by what will they think when they read that? Is that being too honest? Well, that's not true all the time. Maybe I shouldn't say that after all...
I'm going to just try and let it flow out of me. So, you might be offended by my unedited thoughts. So here goes.
Being an LDS working mom sucks. And it is good. I feel so conflicted. I feel like no matter what I will do, I will feel like I'm missing out somewhere. If I were a full-time SAHM, I would feel guilty not using the education I've earned. Plus, I'll be honest here and say I don't think I could ever stay home full-time. My patience is not high enough. I enjoy the fulfillment that comes from working. Working full-time, I feel the guilt of I should be the main nurterer (read: I should be at home). I feel guilty for enjoying a good day at work. I feel like crap for coming home emotionally worn out some days and not being completely present for Aidan and Aaron. Aaron has pointed out this emotional exhaustion on multiple occasions and I have owned up to it. The other day he clearly pointed out "You'd rather spend time cleaning than with your son." And he was right in that moment. It was one of those days. In my mind, I needed to tidy our house before I could even enjoy playing with Aidan. I hate it, but it's true. More guilt. Also, I hate that my house isn't as clean as most moms around here. Dumb, I know. But I honestly worry about it and don't often invite people over because I'm so embarrassed.
So, why did I put "LDS" in there. Within the LDS Culture (different from the doctrine), I feel like I am the "working mom". That's it. I have no depth. I am known because I work full-time. Many of the cultural fun things don't really naturally allow room for women that work. Callings are typically scheduled with meetings during the day (Luckily, the presidency I'm in is awesome. But I do feel some guilt that I'm not available during the day to meet when I know they would prefer to be meeting.) Ward play group and mom's group are during working hours. I go to the Girls Night Outs and feel like the odd duck. All of these moms get to know each other and I have a shot once a month to get to know people. Especially since I'm in Primary on Sundays. Over the summer there were a bunch of women involved in a workout competition. I heard about it from a friend a few weeks in and asked why I didn't hear about it and she just responded, "Because you work. You can't come workout with us." I feel so socially awkward at gatherings. I used to be the one to host play group and mother's group in our old ward. I don't know how accurate my perception of this is and realize that I'm pretty sensitive to it. I don't want to be "the working mom". I am a lot more than that... I think.
I love that I'm using my education. I love the experience I'm getting. I love the patients I work with and seeing them progress. I love that I work at a place where it is 95% female and my boss is a working mom with 2 kids herself so she's very understanding of life. At the same time, there are maybe 3 of us therapists (including my boss) out of the 20ish married with kid(s). It makes it a bit difficult to reach out and connect at work when I don't feel like I can add much to the conversation of who's dating who etc. Plus, if I'm really being honest, I try to get work done as fast as possible to rush home. What's up with that anyway? I go to work, I enjoy it. But in the back of my mind I'm always thinking and trying to get it done as fast as possible to get back home to Aidan and Aaron. It's like I'm never fully present there. Is any mother? Just curious. Then again, is any working father?
I never thought my husband would be a full-time stay at home dad before me. But here we are. I remember as a little girl saying "I want to be a mommy" and admiring my mom for everything that she did. Aaron started full-time SAHDness around November when Police Academy wrapped up. Before that, he was doing school or academy in the evenings. He hasn't quite figured out what the plan is going forward. He still needs to pass a 1.5mile run in the required time and then he can start the second Police block (either this March or next January). He also has about 30 credits of his undergrad left. I wonder if I would feel more or less guilt if he were in a place he was graduated and could be in a career? Would/Will I still work when he's at that point when it's not vital that I provide this income? Is him not being able to work giving me an excuse or an opportunity to work? I can't tell sometimes. Also, I do realize he could provide for us if we really wanted. He'd let me quit in in an instant and go find jobs. I know he's worn out on being home full-time. We both made this decision together... Another story. But very complexly tied into this rant I guess...
I feel like my ability to mother drastically declined as I entered the work-force. My patience has dwindled, my ability to be creative and come up with activities disappeared. I'm totally serious. On evenings and weekends, I think "ummmmmm.... what could we do.....?" And I usually get complete brain farts. Which further solidifies my thought, I suck as a mom. This thought also leads me to think I should never be home full-time. My poor kids would be so bored.... I shouldn't want to explode at them this fast. This thought is also solidified whenever Aidan clearly chooses to be with Aaron over me. Aaron is waaaay more fun and creative. I realize. When Aidan's with me, we tend to do things like wash the dishes together, mop the floors, learning to cook as well as playing with cars and hiding from monsters. Also, I don't think I ever yelled at Aidan or got the kind of reactions I do from him now before I was working. Yup, low patience. I yelled at him- like full-out yelled- about two weeks ago. I can't even remember what it was over, but I feel like poop about it. All that did was give him more attention. The only reason I yelled was because of me being overwhelmed It didn't help anything in the situation. Dumb. Today, as I carried him out of sacrament meeting to go home and take the nap he clearly needed he pulled my hair and swatted my face and body yelling and crying at me. We got home and he started finding things to throw at me and throw all over the ground. I'm sure some kids do this at some point, but Aidan doing it to me makes me feel like crap. And sometimes during these tantrums, it is only Aaron that can get him to calm down. Isn't it me as the mom that should be able to calm my toddler during his meltdown? I want to be able to calm my son. I miss the days when I could calm him over anything. Yup, those days when I could just take him in my arms and he'd be quiet and still and I secretly thought in my head muah ha ha! Yesss!. And again, I don't know if it's because I work and am not around as much that I can't comfort him like I used to, but I blame that at least in part. It's good that Aaron can experience being the comforter, but I'm jealous and disappointed in myself- probably how Aaron felt the first 18 months of his life.
I'm terrified for the birth of this second child. I want to be thrilled and excited, but it seems like working is just this huge barrier. I don't want to get too attached even though I do. I don't even know if that makes sense. Like I said, the "original" plan was that Aaron would be done with all Police Academy Training in May just in time for me to have our baby. It would have allowed me to take Maternity and then just go back very part-time (my dream). But, I'm now looking at going back full-time after Maternity Leave because we need the benefits and Aaron most likely won't be done and able to get a good full-time job with benefits at that point. 1) I don't like when things don't go as planned. 2) I'm so sick of us being in school 3) I totally realize that Aaron probably feels more anxiety and worry than me in regard to his schooling and career. With Aidan, I was in school full-time, but I think I was only gone about 15-20 hours a week maximum for the first 18 months of his life. With this baby, I will be home full-time for 3 months (which is pretty dang cool. I didn't even have that with Aidan), but then I'll be back to work 32 hours/week. And work is now 15 minutes away instead of 3 like it was with Aidan. I want to breastfeed. I want to be there for her first time lifting her head and her first time rolling and her first time crawling and all of her other firsts. This is going to be my baby girl. My first daughter. And I won't get to be there for all of it. And here goes the waterworks...
In writing all of this, I realize I may sound very entitled and snobbish. I know I have been blessed immensely, but I also have some honest struggles within myself. This is where I guess the true pessimist comes out? I got to go to a great school and I had a supportive husband all the way through. I received a great education. I have had great peers and mentors. I wanted to move out of Provo and student-life and I was blessed with a job that allowed us to move. I have a job I love with good benefits. I have great coworkers. I can do fun things with my kids. I can choose my work hours so I'm usually home by 3 in the afternoon instead of 5 or 5:30 or later like most. I have a husband willing to stay home with 1 (and soon 2) kids. I don't have to pay for daycare. My house may not (ever) be clean, but it's a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I still have people at church and in my neighborhood that I can get to know. I know that someday I will have the option of how much and where to work. I'm just being impatient and struggling at times right now and I just have to admit it is hard. I'm grateful for the friends I have that I can be honest with. It's also been nice to be able to talk to my mom who has been working full-time since my dad was disabled so I don't feel so alone and messed up. It'll be interesting to see what the future holds for our family.
Thanks for writing this Lauren. It was really great to read. I totally appreciated the honesty. Man, this whole motherhood thing brings so many questions, choices, conflicted emotions, opportunities ... I didn't even know it was possible to feel so conflicted until I had Blake. :) For what it's worth I think you're pretty amazing and doing a great job with work, Aidan, etc. I don't know how you do it. I always wanted to be a SAHM ... until I became one. Now I feel conflicted b/c part of me still wants to be and part of me wants to go back to work. It's good to know that working doesn't solve all the problems either. Both choices are hard I guess. Anyway ... I'm blabbering, so, in short I guess I just wanted to say thanks again for the honesty. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it might help if you set aside some decompressing time when you first come home, if that is cleaning so be it. I think you need to talk to Aaron about it, if Aiden wants to help you clean thats great too. Some time between switching from Work brain to Mom brain might help you with some of the stress you seem to be expressing. You need to cut yourself some slack. Remember NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, has it together! Those Moms you think have perfectly clean homes, who are content just staying home and being a "mom" somewhere wish they could get out in the adult world. There might be a stigma LDS culture wise for going to work, but the rest of the world it is the other way around. Also just to play devils advocate, Aaron might have some of these same feelings, which might be adding to your feelings. Being a stay at home Dad has a whole different set of stigma both in the LDS church and out of it. We like to say we are open minded about gender roles but chances are if you hear stay at home you automatically think Mom. This could mean that though there are Stay at Home Mom groups their might not be a place for him at them. It is culturally accepted that the Dad is the bread and bacon winner and the Mom is the one that stays home. Either way these are social pressures, and the best way to handle it is to forget what other people think! What works for YOU? Don't be so hard on yourself. There is always room to grow in everyone, there is never perfection and striving for that only will leave you an emotional stressed out person who isn't reaching her potential in anything. I might not get to spend much time with you. But I do know you are a smart, talented, loving person, who is kind, and loves her family. You can only be you. Don't push to be someone else. Love you! :)
ReplyDeleteIt was brave of you to put all your thoughts and feelings out there. My aunt works full time (so does her husband) and has 4 kids ages 8-11 whom I babysit after school. She is a BUSY woman, and I don't envy her. But the things I have learned watching her are: 1) I wouldn't advise anything that makes your life busier, like putting your kid(s) in lots of activities in the evenings or weekends. 2) My aunt makes a lot of decisions based on the guilt she feels for not being home. DON'T do that! Don't feel like you have to be supermom when you are home to make up for it. Don't worry about being creative and making up games! Ask Aidan what toy he wants to play with and then do that with him. Or be content with letting him help you clean and cook--Amelia loves that. Interact with him as much as you can, but really, just being around is enough. Seriously, the most creative I get is to play blocks with her... SAHMs aren't all pinteresty and wonderfully creative as you may think. And Amelia still has to spend a lot of time entertaining herself even though I'm right here next to her all day, because I've got other things to do AND I will go crazy if I don't let myself enjoy some other things like sewing and cooking and writing to friends and family and talking on the phone, etc. Also, SAHMs have mom guilt too. Everyone feels like they aren't doing a good enough job. But I do feel for you, I can't imagine how hard it would be. One more thing, I think I'm my aunt's best friend because I may be the only person outside of work who has time to talk to, and it's because I'm there in her home. I don't think she's ever really had time for friends and certainly not for playdates, but over time in her ward she has developed friendships that can withstand not being able to see each other very often. Just takes time.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above comments. Also, I have this quote from Marjorie Hinckley on my computer desk that I saw on someone's blog. In fact, I probably saw it on your blog years ago. When I read through this her quote came to my mind. "We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are." I really like her message of doing what is best for us and our families. I'm so happy for you that you get three months at home after baby girl is born. One of the pharmacists at Kevin's work also gets three months (6 weeks paid and 6 weeks unpaid). She said that the boss isn't too happy about it, but I told her she needed to do what she needed for her and baby. Those three months will be a wonderful time for you and your family. Keep going! You're doing great!
ReplyDeleteThat has to be so hard! However, I wouldn't feel bad since if you look at the big picture, you are providing for your family right now (because you can and that's why you have the education) while your husband finishes school and is preparing to eventually do that so you don't have to if you don't want to. No one should look down upon you especially knowing your family's situation. Would you rather stay home and your husband hold little jobs and live off the government until he finishes? Or use your education and take care of your family until he can? You guys have obviously talked about this and you have made the best decision for your family right now. You are lucky he can be home and Aiden doesn't have to be taken care of by a random day care giver. If you do feel so bad and don't like your current situation, then it sounds like you need to reevaluate things with your husband. But to me it sounds like what you guys are doing is working great even though I bet it is SO hard for you and being away from Aiden.
ReplyDeleteI can totally see how it would be hard though with Aiden wanting to be comforted by Aaron and not you, and you not knowing how to play with him as well as Aaron, because well, Aaron is home and that is HIS role right now. For him and for most SAHM's, it's easier to know how to play, and what to do each day, etc etc, since that is our job. If we went to your job, we would feel just as lost like you do when you come home and you are not sure what to even do with Aiden. If you are able to stay home in the future, you will be totally fine. It obviously will take some time adjusting, but just like having a newborn, you have to learn slowly as you go until it just becomes routine and easy.
I can also see where you are coming from when you talk about not feeling as connected with all the SAHM's. There is one mom in my ward that works with young kids and I think she feels the same way. She doesn't get to hang out during the day and get to know everyone as well and that stinks. She goes to all the evening enrichments and baby showers and such, but her relationship with everyone as a whole may not be as strong as all of us who hang out all the time during the day. I think about her every time I go to send out an email or mass text about going to the park or some play date and think, "Should I include her even though I know she can't go? Or will that just make her feel even worse?" I also don't want her to think, "Umm hello, I'm at work! Are you purposely trying to make me feel bad since you know I can't go?" Hopefully she doesn't think that, but I always question myself when those situations come up and what would be best to do. So my question to you is, would you rather get the invite knowing you can't go? Does it make you feel bad when you get a text and can't go? Or does it make you feel better just being invited and it never makes you feel bad?
One place I love to turn for guidance is my patriarchal blessing. Reading that always gives me help and guidance and assurance in what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe take a look at that.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post!! Both my husband and I work full time (I teach 2nd grade, he works as a Sales Manager) But teaching is SO physically and emotionally draining that when I get home, it is all I can do to have enough patience with my own 2 kids to make it through dinner, and that's when the guilt kicks in. My oldest is in all day Kindergarten and my Mother-in-Law watches my 2 year old, but I still have that awful guilt that I should be the one raising my kids (even though I too feel like I couldn't stay home full time) One time our bishop made a very judgemental comment about a women who said she was a 'part-time mom'. He took it totally out of context and I felt personally attacked because I do feel like a part-time mom! I still have a hard time respecting him after that. I too struggle with the "I really shouldn't feel this way, look at all our blessings!" But the worst thing I have done is negate my own feelings. I have to let them out somehow and cry and read blogs about moms who are having the same struggles (which is really refreshing after reading all those crafty-supermom blogs :D I know I don't have advice to offer, but I just wanted to say thank you and you are not alone in this battle. I think many more women deal with this than we realize! Thank you again for sharing!
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your post I kept thinking to myself, this sounds so familiar. The reason is because Janna and I had similar circumstances. Janna graduated before I did and got a great job with a school district as an interpreter for the deaf. She did this while I was in school and really grew to love her job. She didn't even want to think about leaving until our first came along. Luck would have it that I was in several right places at the right time and was able to provide a modest living. Janna thought she'd have a much harder time leaving her job but in the end she didn't really care. I think in these times roles in the family have to be flexible, what you are doing is fantastic and in a way you are preparing a future where if you'd like to be a SAHM that option will be available. Either way you need to do what you feel is best for your family, no one can judge you for that. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm a SAHM, but I could totally relate to your insecurities! I feel them all the time and I know that these thoughts pretty much plague every woman. For the longest time I felt so useless being at home and cleaning YET AGAIN (we rarely have anyone over these days because it's such a disaster and I'm way too embarrassed! And too tired - or lazy? - to clean up at the end of the day) while hubby went to work and made a difference in the world. Then the other day we were talking and he feels the same way about what I'm doing! He feels like he's just going out and making money while I'm doing the really important stuff here at home. My point is that no matter what you do, Satan is going to get at you and make you doubt and feel guilty. WHATEVER you do. Even if you need to ask over and over and over again, ask God to help you feel peace about where you are so you can silence the doubts and the guilt. And if you don't ever get that feeling of peace, perhaps look at other options (maybe ones you never even thought of before) to see what makes you feel at peace.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has often told me that he could never stay at home because he's not as patient as I am. How in the world did I get what patience I have? Practice. Constant, daily practice in the face of all the things that push me to the edge of my limits. I'm still not as patient as I would like to be. In fact, I doubt I'll ever be as patient as I would like to be and sometimes I even feel like I'm moving backward! Some things are life-long pursuits and not something to check off in a month. Sometimes hubby has to be the voice of patience and reason because I've just had enough and I swear that if you push my buttons one more time....
To be honest, I'm not super creative either. I'm slowly trying to be more so (pinterest!), but what my kids really want from me isn't necessarily awesome ideas of things to do, but ME. While I've been spending time with them, somehow I missed this key point. When they talk to me, I need to be present and listening and not multi-tasking and only half paying attention to what they're telling me about this thing that's really important to them. I've noticed that I get a lot more enjoyment when I really listen to what they're saying because it's usually so funny! I just read a great article the other day about how tantrums might be more than they appear - they might be a cry to feel a connection, to feel like they are understood in their frustration. Well timed with my almost 2 year old son. Instead of punishing or ignoring tantrums, I've started trying to connect and really empathize with my son and so far there's been a decrease in the number and intensity. Perhaps your son misses the connection he had with you so his tantrums are a way of asking you to pay attention and try to understand that he's upset about it. It even helps with my daughter, though she seldom throws tantrums anymore and I'm sad that I missed this idea when she was having them. But I can do better now.
Being a mom isn't about BEING the best, it's about TRYING your best. And when your best falls short, when we make mistakes (and we all do!) you need to try to forget about it (in the sense that you don't keep beating yourself up about it), get back up and try again. Every day is a new day. Treat it as a start over if you feel you need one.
Thanks for sharing your post, it gave me great insight!
ReplyDeletemaxinesoakai.com
I love this. I mean, I don't love that these are your struggles and and the things you beat yourself up over, but I loved that you are honest enough to say all of it.
ReplyDeleteLike you're showing, you can make the absolute best possible choice at the time for your family and there will still be crappy things about it and things you miss and things you wish were different. And all we can do is the best we can do.
I really needed to read this today, I think.
Hi.I am a full time working lds mom and I just found your post. I wanted to say hi and thank you for posting this. I have two kids and my husband and I work full time and I have always struggled with that. I know I'm doing the right thing and my girls are well assisted and happy but it's hard. I feel so left out at church. Exactly like you said I don't get to do things with other mom's during the day and they all bond while I'm at work. It's very lonely. I don't know if you will get this or if you're still working but I just wanted to say hi and thank for posting.
ReplyDeleteI know this is like, a year and a half after you posted this, but for some reason I felt I needed to add my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI found your website by looking up FHEs for kids and found your FHE ideas for toddlers post -- awesome post!!! (If you ever want to write a new one for the next age range, I'd love you forever.)
Anyway, I'm a stay at home mom. And I wanted to add my two cents:
1.) When you're a stay at home mom, you rarely EVER get "thinking" time. Especially when you have more than one kid. Your mind is CONSTANTLY over-bogged trying to pay attention to what everyone is doing, all the time, as well as pay attention to whatever task you're doing, be it cleaning, taking care of bills, etc.
So when you're talking about not really being fully present and not being able to give it your best you, and when you're talking about "brain farts" -- I may be a stay at home mom, but I totally related to all of that. Yup, that exactly describes how staying at home feels sometimes. In fact, sometimes I envy the person who gets to go to work and actually concentrate on one task for a while. I love that feeling of being able to put my full concentration into something ... I miss it .... sigh....
2.) I thought it was cute that you felt left out of your ward because you're gone all day. Our ward almost has the opposite problem -- the only ladies who are home are the ones who are old enough now that their bodies are physically incapable of going to work. Me and one other mom are actually the odd ones out as a stay at home mom! Haha. But even when you do get time to "hang out" with ward members, don't feel bad -- it's really not all that it's cracked up to be. :) Playdates? I spend the entire playdate torn in half between talking and actually, um, playing with my kids, which is what I really want to be doing. I'm like, "I didn't come to talk, I came to play!" Maybe I'm just an oddball that way. Half the time I'm like, "I wish you guys would stop jabbering to me so I could actually be there for my little one who wants help going down the slide!" And everyone really only talks about surfacy stuff anyway -- why? --> See my point #1: your brain is cut in too many different directions for you to really be able to focus on anything deep enough to talk about the important things!
Plus, there's always the obnoxious group of moms (yes, unfortunately you find them at church playdates too) who dig on their husbands ... and that always leaves you with a bad taste.
Oh, and crafty? I actually put an extra surge of effort for a little while trying to be crafty with my kids, and it lasted like, a week. Know what I discovered? All the preparation time I was spending just made my kids more impatient and upset -- moooom, why aren't you just plaaaaaying with us?? A craft is great for a special occasion, but for the most part, I agree with the other poster -- just ask to play with their favorite toy, or build with blocks, or just listen to them. Things that take too much time in thought and preparation really detract from family time more than they add to it.
So, like the other poster was saying, you know, there's good and bad about working away from home, and there's good and bad about being a stay at home mom. I wouldn't trade my choice for all the world, buuuut ... don't feel bad for missing out on things that really wouldn't make your life a lot better anyway. :)