Love You, Hate the Porn

I subscribe to a few different marriage blogs and occasionally I find something that is really helpful for me as a therapist.

When working at Women's Service, I had quite a few girls stop by- both married and single- that found out their significant other was addicted to pornography. At any given point, I think around half of my cases have pornography as an issue to be addressed. I'm kind of thinking that about every man has been exposed to pornography at some point in his life, but this could be my therapist brain talking. More women are being exposed to and becoming addicted.

Working with couples on pornography issues can be really difficult. Both individuals are so raw. The wife often feels betrayed and unable to trust. The husband feels so much shame that it's hard for him to function. (I've only treated husbands with this addiction thus far.) I've seen a lot of success in therapy with these couples and individuals, but it's a hard issue for me to tackle. I never know quite how to word things.

I'm still on this journey figuring out what therapy modality I operate from. I believe in attachment theory. I believe that everyone needs a secure attachment figure in their life. I believe that trauma can greatly affect one's ability to trust and be close to others. I believe individuals need to have experiences where they feel safe and secure and can trust. I also believe that true healing is possible and best done with a secure attachment figure.

I really enjoyed Mark Chamberlain's recent blog post. He's currently publishing a book entitled "Love You, Hate the Porn". You can check out his blog athttp://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/

Some of the excerpts I liked followed by some of my thoughts:

"Two months my wife caught me looking at porn on my phone. For me it was a relief--I haven’t felt this free in years. Getting this out in the open was just what I needed to finally put it behind me" 

More often than not, the man coming in to therapy hates- I mean really hates- his addiction. He is relieved to have help in recovery.

"Vance, it’s important for you to know why the news of your porn use hurt Rachel so deeply: precisely because you are so important to her. She relies on your relationship to give her a sense that everything is alright in the world, and so her universe has been turned upside-down. The fact that she cares so deeply is a promising sign that, with work, the two of you will be able to draw together and heal your marriage."

I worry more when a couple comes in to therapy and they aren't even arguing with each other. At least couples that argue still care about each other.


"She needs you close. You’re the source of her pain on the one hand, but mostly you’re “her primary attachment figure,” the one she instinctively reaches for when she’s struggling and in need...Spend more time right there beside her."

I think this is so, so hard for men to do because they feel so ashamed and want to hide. They also are afraid of hurting their wife more or that their wife will be angry (which often happens).

"By the time we reach adulthood and our spouse has become our primary attachment figure, we can still feel connected and secure even if, for example, one spouse is away on extended military deployment. However, when something like pornography seems to threaten our bond, a switch inside of us flips, turning us back into an emotional toddler."


"When it starts to feel like you’re being interrogated and your patience wears thin, hear her emotional pleading behind each question: “You are so important to me. My world turns on how you feel about me. I don’t want anything to threaten what we share together. Tell me again that I come first in your life!”...So tell her again (and again and again) that she comes first in your life."

In therapy, we talk a lot about pursue-withdraw patterns. Often, the pursuer has some underlying need that they are wanting met, but maybe can't express well. Mostly, the wife just wants to know that she is loved and cared for.

"Remember: everything you’ve built together, everything you’ve shared together, everything you’ve felt together is still there! It hasn’t been obliterated by pornography, just buried. With your help, she can heal. And with her help, so can you. Working together, you can make your marriage stronger than it has ever has been before!"

I think the marriages that have gone through hard things are sooooo much stronger than marriages where there have been few struggles. 

So, there you go, a tiny peek into my world as a therapist. And just because it's on my mind from talking to somebody earlier, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson would likely be a good attachment-based book to read to strengthen your relationship.

PS I'm happy to help you find a good therapist if you're ever interested or recommend a good book if I know of one.